Call it a quit

We haven’t talked in more than a month. Is there a need to resume ot restart or hope for new beginning of a relationship? No. This obvious silence means no interest at all, not mentioning respect which was not shown towards me. No matter how “girlish” you want to act, first of all you are a human and I need you to respond as a human. You failed at that simple task, and I am not going to spoil my dignity. 

This is the end. And I highly doubt I can keep my contact with you in any form. So I am thinking of completly deleting you from all social media. I don’t want to be constantly reminded of your existance and ignorance and past things that are being remembered when I notice your name.

“Not enough time”

More and more you can hear nowadays people complaining not doing stuff because of not having enough time for that. But they somehow find time to write or talk about it. I don’t believe it. The busiest person on earth is probably Mr Vladimir Putin or Barack Obama and ordinary people like us should have no problem in finding, allocating, redistributing our

24 hours in such manner to fulfil our tasks or primary objectives. 

Sleep less, eat quick, relax short, go out no more, do whatever it takes to achieve your goal, but typing messages to your friends about how there is no time for you to study or work on yourself does not solve anything. 

Simply disconnect, ignore messages if your inbox is full of chat and not important stuff that can wait. 

Unplug. Disconnect. Prioritise your time and life and you’ll see how everything works.

If you are given a task, then it is possible to do that. Do it. Or get low, disappointing results. 

Your choice.

Be Good be Kind

How about we all just try to be good? Is it that difficult? Being kind is not a weakness, and yet still so many people just avoid it, in favour of money, fame, authority, pride, traditions and customs, person choice. It could be because of hate and jealousy, greed and thirst of everything. 

I chose to be kind, nobody told me I need to be like that. Being polite is different thing, which I was taught thanks to my parents, but kindness, it’s something you decide for yourself. 

To be honest, I was the opposite of the kind when I was small. I lied a lot, was jealous of a lot things, I considered my toys – my OWN and hardly let anyone even my sister touch, moreover, look at them. I was closed, did not like to talk much and express feelings (other than crying hehe). Of course, that’s in the past, but my current behaviour is the opposite of my past: I lie pretty much never now, no matter the cost (unless obviously it would be cruel towards someone to hear it), otherwise I just say nothing. I am much more expressive now (I am posting this to the internets without feeling uncomfortable). And because of my “more” kindness towards people and things, I am easy going person, and (I think) people like me more now, and they like my kindness and respect and politeness. Because it is getting so rare nowadays to meet people having these qualities. 

So be kind, be good. People who want to abuse your kindness and politeness, they will pay for it, I am tellin ya. Karma exists and even I had been visited by it. 

Better do kind thing and people forget about it rather than do unkind thing and people never forget about it, yeah…even if you gain millions of dollars from that thing! Does not worth it. Care about yourself but also about others, a little care, respect, kindness and love would make this world and life better. Seriously. 

-M

Message from Z (first girl)

No “Hello”, no “how are you” no nothing. 
Just “i am busy, I’ll contact with you later”
Like wtf? Why Now? You finally “found 5 seconds” in your “busy” life and decided to give a sh*t? How about this past month and all that time you spend online every f***ing day! Yes I am mad, why shouldn’t I be? I don’t have a cold heart and metal feelings to sink in and ignore stuff around me. And you live your own made up world where you treat everyone in your way and expect the response that YOU want. Sorry but this is not kind of thing I am looking in my girlfriend to have. If feelings and relations cause me more overthinking and mental harm and stress, then I am not going to be masochist. 
I did not reply to her and I won’t.
I expect her to write in a month or sooner. I just feel that. And she will calmly talk to me like nothing happened. Yeah, you don’t care about me, did not even ask how am I.
Screw that kind of treatment. I do not deserve it. Now, if you excuse me, I am going to continue with my life, and not going to think about you, or us or what happened inbetween.

-M

Fortunate acquaintanceship 

I own and run my facebook page, where I have not that many likes, around 800. Recently, I’ve posted that I am not in a relationship, and looking for one, looking for a girlfriend. Right after that post, on the next day I’ve received a question-message from a nice girl. Of course I did reply to her question, then decided to chat. I really liked her. She studies at very  reputable place and for an actuarial scientist. Epic, For a girl! We talked a bit and it looks like she likes me too, in a very observable manner, at some unclear extent. Still very good. I am happier now 🙂 let’s see how this evolves. I’ll name her A. 

-M

Internet < Real life

People 
usually repeat their mistakes and I know that very well. But it does not mean they can’t change, because they can, only if they WANT to change or have incentive, reason to do so. I have made few mistakes and repeated some, but after suffering the consequences – I’ve regretted and promised myself never to repeat. 
But sometimes, you repeat those mistakes without having a choice, you feel like you’re dragging yourself into the same hole as before. But…it is not the end of the world and/or your life. And things aren’t always easy for me as well. But I have determination, and I just don’t give up if I have a goal to reach. 
In terms of girls, relationship, my goal was to be noticed and liked by the girl I like. I did that, but things went uncontrolled after that. And the most of talking we did, serious talking, was via internets, messengers, chats. That’s a mistake that I’ve made before and tried not to, failed few times. Serious talks should be done face-to-face, especially something that can be life-changing or depressing or even very happy/good thing. I am sure a lot of things you won’t say face-to-face, you’ll reconsider, rethink, rephrase, and expect immediate response, including emotional. Otherwise, chat and text gets filled with rage and capital letters and unpleasant words and becomes uncontrollable, unsolvable and feels like nothing good can come out, nothing can be fixed. And this is what happened, and then we were both feeling awkward “speaking” with each other. It wasn’t the same feeling as before. But there were feelings…upon which I wanted to continue our relations. She (Z) is not responding to that, I am afraid. At least, not yet.

Now (part 2)

You may be asking, what about that girl, sister’s friend, father’s friend’s daughter? Well, let’s call her Q. Oddly enough, I haven’t seen her in my life before that day when we met, although I was aware of her existence and so did she, we just did not meet before on any event or at each other’s home. Things like that happen. I know my father knows his friend and his family but they live in a long distance from our home and I am in a different country, like 80% of the year. So…yeah…we saw each other for the first time in the university where my sister studies. 
I am pretty easy going and I like other people, especially girls, and I do become friends nearly with everyone, but it is not easy to make to to fall in love with any girl that wants that. I am very particular with what kind of girls I like. Well. Z (girl from my school, see previous post) was (is) like that. 
Now the crazy part, over time, I started to like Q, this new girl, more and more. I mean, there are many good girls that I just like, as a person but, not in a romantic way. This girl, however, was also like that to me, until I started really liking her. I could not get enough of her, and I was chatting with her more and more until very sad thing happened – I found out that she has a boyfriend. Well, usually, you can tell this from a girl in few hours of chat, maybe without asking directly (which I’ve done, non-direct “do you have boyfriend” question). 
But I was very convinced she did not have, although she does look gorgeous, it was unlikely nobody noticed her. Although, still I told her that I like her, she responded that she just wants to be friends with me, nothing more. I was friendzoned. Yep, feels awful. And it hurts now taking to her, but I do that nonetheless, because it also makes me happy to talk to a girl, other than a relative girl. Nearly a month passed after not talking to the other girl, from school. And she made me really sad, I really did not want us to be like this, I wanted to slowly progress our relationship, not rush not make any serious decisions, but she does not want that I guess. I am still waiting to see what she will reply, if she ever decides to do. Feels really weird not to talk to her for so long. 
And now I am in a very shitty position. 
On the one side – a girl (Z) whom I like and who liked me, fell in love with and wanted all good for us, but now is not responding me, on the other side – girl (Q) who does not like me in THAT way, whom I like too, but who also has a boyfriend, so that I cannot do anything about. 
The only possible outcome here is if Z explains me her behaviour and we get together again, in very unlikely situation. The “bad” outcome or very selfish and cruel possible outcome is that Q girl breaks with her boyfriend and gives me a chance to be her, but that contradicts with her “I want to be only friends with you” statement. So, unlikely as well. 
That’s the NOW for me. And what’s next? We’ll see.

-M

Now (part 1)

Well, let’s begin.
Few months ago I met my old time schoolmate (girl, let’s call her Z) after a long time of not only not seeing but not having any contact! I’ve felt different inside after few meetings, it was something like love, I am not sure, but strong feelings. And soon she also started developing feelings for me. We “told” each other about them after a month and a half, and we’re happy. This was the first time that the girl I liked and expressed my feelings – responded exactly as I wanted. Then a happy month passed, and things went “serious”? Well, we started diverging in our views on life and relationships and called it quit. After 2 months we started to “communicate like friends”. Which did work and then did not, because feelings and memories came back, however, she expected much more or “different me” after 2 months when I came back from the UK to Armenia where she lives. Again, things got salty, she envied me talking and introducing myself to other girl, who happened to be my father’s friend’s daughter. That had nothing to do with “relationship” or “cheating”. But she felt that way, that I prioritised that other girl to see first when I came back from the UK. It was nothing, just a thing that happened before I saw her (classmate girl), if my father’s friend’s daughter was not there that day – I would not see her, maybe other day, it was not a big plan for me or a priority. And on the other hand, she is a friend of my sister and I was helping them both with maths and English because of the urgent exams. I don’t see any problem here. And I was planning to see the girl I had feelings for after finishing stuff that I am obligated to do – such as help my sister. She got mad, unpleasant words filled my chat, but after some time – we decided to meet. I said sorry for this uncomfortable situation that I did NOT intend to make. But also I did not feel that I did something wrong or deserving to be called a “cheater”. And now, after out last “date”, she does not reply to my messages, which say “why are you not replying? What’s wrong?” Etc…
Does not matter how much I care about her, or cared, now she is disrespecting me with reading and not replying, not caring even to tell me what’s wrong, what to do next or how to fix this. I feel she just wants to quit even basic human interactions. Well then. If you think I deserve that, I am not going “fight for you”, I am not being afraid of my feelings for you. I don’t need them if there is no response. 
As for today – we are “friends” on all social networks we are, but she does not reply in all. I do have her phone number but I don’t feel like calling her. It would be weird. She’s name is Z (I gave her fictional name to reference later)

-M

Intro

Hi. I am a fan of deadmau5, an electronic artist, Joel Zimmerman. But that has nothing to do with my blog. I just decided to go anonymous here and express EVERYTHING without worrying about my posts. I’ll convert real names of people I’ll talk about to other, to respect their privacy. All clear? Good. Hi again, my name is … mau5fan, well, not really, but you can call me M, because mau5 is also “taken”. I am from Armenia, but I live in London, UK, but I do return to home county throughout the year. I study in the UK and during holidays – I’m at home. 
Right now I do not have a girlfriend, and my blog is going to be about girls. Or about my thoughts about them. Hope I’m not gonna bore you, my dear reader. I’ll be crisp and clear about everything here, keeping text as short as possible.

-M